Tuesday 30 April 2013

Need of the hour – Self esteem


Every individual in this world is valuable because he/she is a unique creation of God. No two people can be exactly alike on this earth.

That means YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND in 7 billion people.

God created you and put you here on earth to be you. If God wanted you to be someone else, He simply would have made you that person. So, self esteem should come naturally to you and in fact God expects you to feel good about yourself.

Two Self Esteem Killers

1)    Comparison with others

Honestly? Useful work gets done ONLY if we refuse to compare ourselves with each other. God must be as amused seeing humans compare themselves, as we would be if Dory and Marlin forget their quest to find Nemo and instead start bickering over whose fins look longer and color is catchier and some such nonsense

2)    Fear

Fear can enter a woman very easily. Parents can instill it in us, older siblings or irresponsible care givers, dominating teachers, controlling fathers, mothers or fathers in law, mothers in law, male chauvinistic fathers or husbands, the list is endless. Yet the answer to it remains the same – You cannot allow fear to continue ruling your life.

To come out of something that has long haunted us we must define it in a way that makes us hate it. So my personal definition of fear is – Inability to enjoy life

This is a true story - If a fearful person goes to the beach all he can think about is the car getting stolen or a sudden tsunami. If a fearful person gets married all she can think about is whether her husband will stay with her or leave her. If she goes to a party she would be worried whether her dress looks fine or if everyone likes her and so on and on and on. 

I don’t want to live like a scared Chicken all my life. I want to be bold and free like an Eagle. The choice lies in my hand as it does in yours.

Few Pointers..

1)    Avoid people who mistreat you. The basic human right is – Live and let live. If this is violated we are hardly a civilization. Continue to respect and help such people BUT never give them the chance to pollute your mind. (That is – by holding any grudge or thoughts of revenge)
2)  Try to overcome unnatural fears that strike at times. Eg: If you are afraid to do something, simply do it even if you feel afraid. Once the job gets done there is no ground for the fear to stay
3)    Keep a tab on your thoughts. Negative thoughts are addictive just like harmful drugs. I try to think Bible verses as much as possible whenever I catch myself thinking negatively
4)    It is good to come out of your little world and help others. People around you also have fear, pain and frustration just like you. Help them and in the process you will be uplifted
5)    Do something new every day. Shake things up. Let adventure be your middle name
6)    Don’t fear man. People sometimes behave like buffoons ready to jump through rings that others hold out for them. They can put up with a lot of nonsense dished out to them. Please do know that other people also have FAULTS. So how are they better than you?
7)    Don’t be an average in many things. Be amazing in one thing. (Recap post named – “Focus”)
8)    Take your baby steps in overcoming fear. It won’t be easy. You may trip a lot just like babies do. But eventually you will experience the freedom that accompanies courage and optimism. You will be a soaring eagle too  

Always remember Self Esteem is your birthright.

(I hope I can write some more on this topic as I continue to learn. My sincere prayer is - No one reading this blog should lack self esteem or miss enjoying the wonderful gift called life. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have. Do continue writing in and bolster my Self Esteem too ;) )
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6 comments:

  1. Anonymous30 April 2013 at 22:07

    you wrote so well.thank you so much.I'll follow your steps to improve my self.I always think that people will make fun of me if i do something wrong.and my husband will feel embarrassed because of me. Thats why i fear most of the time.I am not like other ladies whom i meet in parties.Some are so good in English and they speak so confidently with all officers.I don't wear that type of clothes.I can't speak like them.I don't participate in games as i think if i do something wrong they all will make fun of me.But i wanted to get out of it. Thats why i chose your blog.Thank you so much...

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    1. Hephzibah1 May 2013 at 01:23

      Thank you for the lovely feedback. All the problems of self-consciousness you have described is experienced by EVERY person (be it naval wives or officers) in their early years in Navy. Over time these things disappear. Everyone has to go through the transition period. You seem to be a genuine and kind person. Don’t strain yourself to lose your individuality to fit in with the crowd. Instead make few enjoyable changes like – visiting the parlor regularly, getting a trendy haircut, buying branded clothes (instead of having lot of clothes picked up in sales get 5 or 6 suits in a good shop) and shoes, befriend other officers’ wives over the phone so you have someone to speak to when you go for parties. And remember parties aren’t the biggest things in life although social life seems to be given a higher priority in Defence circle. Find your cynosure and keep working on it. God bless.

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  2. Anonymous6 May 2013 at 23:42

    hi....
    i want to ask you something...not related to this post :)
    i don't know why i am so mad.i love my husband.both of us are working. when i come back from office i wait for him.I count the seconds.and when he comes late,i start fighting.I fight so badly.i don't know why i behave like this.i know he loves me too.When i am with my friends and he gives me a call,i come back.But when he is with his friends i don't know what these boys have problem.Why can't they just tell their friends that their wife is calling.and this is the reason for most of the fights.he says try to understand me.and after fighting i realize why i am fighting....i want to come out of it.I want to enjoy my life.I don't want to think about him all the time.I want to be happy and let him happy.But when i try to forget him and think if he is with friends then i can also be happy with my friends as well.But i am not and this is the problem.Please please tell me the solution..i really want to change....
    i have read your early replies.and i strongly believe that i can change after reading your advise :)

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    Replies
    1. Hephzibah9 May 2013 at 07:07

      First of all I love the way you have approached the issue. It’s good that you want to change. Many women go through life doing exactly what you have described, every single day of their lives. They don’t stop and think why they are being miserable and making their spouse’s life miserable too. :) Good for you lady that you want to change.

      I am guessing that you are newly married. Your husband still hasn’t gotten out of his bachelor ways. Maintaining face in his peer circle is very important for a guy. THAT is the “problem” with “these guys” :) Please don’t think I am mocking you. I went through the same thing for ……… maybe… all of the first 4 or 5 years of my married life.

      Now the million dollar question – How to handle this?

      1) Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. (It is hard to believe this but husbands have their personality quirks because they are that way. Not because you don’t fully satisfy them. They will change over time but don’t expect it to happen in a day)

      2) Don’t doubt him. I am not saying your husband is to be trusted blindly. Both of you must be accountable to each other. Meaning if you have been out with a male colleague be sure to tell him and expect the same from him. Secrets are walls in a marriage. Apart from that don’t IMAGINE the worst. If you have experienced betrayal in the past then look for ways to heal yourself. Don’t think a repeat experience will happen. (I am just suggesting all the possible solutions. If I am off the tangent please ignore it)

      3) Make quality time with him. If all the time you spend with him involves – fighting, then it’s not quality time. If he comes late – Be romantic. Prepare a candle light dinner during the time he takes to come home, place a little love note in his case or something… Just BE NICE TO HIM

      4) Be respectful ALWAYS, show your admiration, if he has done something good in the office be the first to say that you are proud of him, encourage him often, throw in some surprise hugs and neck rubs.. These are very small things but if done DELIBERATELY you will be expressing your love for him in a language that he understands

      5) Last of all – There is no love without forgiveness. Forgive him every time he hurts you – EVEN if he doesn’t apologize. I have received apologies from my husband NOW for things he did 7 years ago :) They love us but they simply don’t say it. :)

      You don’t have to force yourself to enjoy your time with friends. Instead do some activity together with your husband. This one is a charm – Find out your hubby’s forgotten college time hobby and restart it with him. Guys place a lot of worth on their spouses being their favorite-activity partners.

      When your husband calls and you are with your friends – you can break off and go. It is good. But don’t expect the same from him FOR NOW. (Maybe don’t call when he is with his friends he may come rushing home to find out what is wrong…)Continue to be a wonderful human being and eventually HE will break off from his friends EVEN BEFORE YOU CALL. :) I can guarantee you this..

      Remember Women take to married life like fish to water but for men they continue being amphibians for a while before they develop stronger gills. Meaning – if you keep them too much time in the water without letting them wander in the shore they’ll feel suffocated.

      God bless.

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    2. Anonymous9 May 2013 at 10:09

      hey you guessed right.Its been six months of our marriage...i will try to implement your advice:) thank you so much lady...the problem is that i keep him on 1st priority...he also says the same...but he has various other priorities :( parties with their seniors,stupid friends...and i have just one task waiting for him.when he comes back then he expects i should be nice.I want to nice too..thats why i asked :) i think most of the time that i will follow "tit fot tat ".i'll not give him time.but when he calls me i come within one second.because i love to be with him :)thats why he is behaving like this. Am i doing right?

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    3. Hephzibah9 May 2013 at 21:49

      Six months !! I thought it must be a year or so.. Ok.. now I get a clearer picture :) Thanks for replying dear.. I am glad you weren’t offended by my suggestions. (Some of the tips I gave were inappropriate for a very young marriage. Sorry) it is a hurtful situation you are in. I totally understand. I am so sorry.

      Usually we enter marriage with fairy tales filling our minds where we think our hubby is the best and a prince charming and so on and on. (Do take time to read an older post (written in March) – “Hold on to your dream”). But then reality hits. When you are head over heels in love with your hubby you won’t know how to maintain your self-respect. Over the years I learnt to pull back when anyone treated me with disrespect or took me for granted. It takes a LOT of effort to put your foot down and demand respect from a human you love beyond measure. But if you keep trying you will be able to emotionally detach yourself from your hubby. That is, you have to learn how to be “less nice”. One way is – Not getting bothered (truly from your heart) whether he wants to spend time with you or not. If you try to play tit for tat you are still giving out all the vibes that you are desperate for his attention. Instead simply STOP wanting his attention. You are still a wholesome, complete, lovable woman EVEN without your hubby by your side. When he realizes you are pulling back (which he will) he will be jolted to reality. No one can keep on pouring acid on a plant and expect it to bloom and flourish. One day they will realize that the plant actually needs time, water and nurturing.

      Revert to your pre-wedding mindset when you were content with yourself and didn't need anyone’s attention. What did you do at those times? What were you good at? Keep doing those things that mattered to you most before your hubby came into your life. After all these years of marriage THIS is the one thing I wish I had known as a new bride – “There is no need to center your world on your hubby. You are an individual with individual talents and an agenda of your own”. Such a simple truth but yields a bounty of useful works done and loads of respect from hubby dearest. I hope I answered your question dear. God bless you.

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