A Valentine's Day Message

Valentine’s Day represents one of the most sought after treasure in this world – Love. 

In my opinion, we reap only what we’ve sown.

So when people (I mean those who are above 30 years of age. I consider the twenties to be still in the learning phase) complain to me that they aren’t loved or respected; I wonder what they’d sown. More often than not you can see ALL their actions concerning others involved HUGE doses of – selfishness, emotional aloofness, anger, dirty words, pretensions, lies etc., and these are the ones who want to yield a crop of love and acceptance. This is strange but true.

Lack of quality time spent with family can make a good marriage into a ‘gone marriage’. There are many phases in Indian Navy where the husband and wife go days without seeing each other. Maintaining a healthy marriage relationship in Navy is indeed a challenge. That’s why this post to share a little bit of time tested formulas for a loving healthy marriage.

Communication

This seems obvious. But it can come as a surprise that in the early days of marriage many people suffer silently because of their unmet needs. Well, all I can say is your husband / wife is NOT a mind-reader. Your father/mother may know what you want before you can voice it out, because they have seen you for 20-25 years. Your spouse needs time to know your needs. They may be nice to others (that they know for a longer time than they know you) but can hurt you unknowingly, simply because they don’t know what you need. So Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Honesty

It’s a proven fact that secrets = walls. Secrets between couples are walls. Some things can be shared in the first year of marriage. Some things take a few years. But get it out. It may be difficult at first to come clean to your spouse. But when you expect 100% honesty from your better half do know that they expect and deserve the same from you.

Improve the quality of time spent together if the quantity is less

There were years in my life when I got to see my husband for just a few days in a month. When we were young or rather naïve we spent those few days fighting because we were so frustrated at being separated for long periods of time. But then we grew some brains and put our frustrations off and started TRULY enjoying the time we got with each other. We became die-hard romantics all over again. Impromptu candle light dinners, night drives in empty roads, long walks all became a part of the time we had together. My husband was excellent in planning trips. He would get the best places to visit and hotels to stay in. And thus annual leave was not wasted in sitting at home and watching TV. Instead we ended up having our third, fourth and fifth honeymoons (with our child in tow). Every time I came back from my mom’s place he would receive me at the airport/train station with a beautiful bunch of flowers and a big smile. When he went on extra long sailing I kept little encouraging notes in different places of his baggage and he would make a call whenever possible even if it was just for 120 seconds over a satellite phone. Over the years it was these little-extras which kept our relationship intact. Never take your spouse for granted. Any extra hug, extra love, unexpected compliments - simple seeds sown, will reap a harvest of love, joy and peace for many years.

Shared activities

Husbands love to have their wives not just as their partners in life but also in watching their favorite movies, playing tennis, gym, watching playoffs and so on. Many wives don’t know this. They cook and let their husbands sit lonely or go out with friends. I was one among them too. But it came as a surprise when I realized that my husband actually wanted me with him doing things that he enjoys. Now I don’t miss a chance :)

Husbands need admiration and respect for who they are

Many of us can lose sight of this important fact. Make sure you convey your admiration and respect to your husband. Any slighting gesture or tone can put off a man very easily. On the contrary, respect and admiration drives them to be their best. One more tip – Don’t EVER disobey him in front of someone unless you know for sure he is just joking. Husbands feel greatly insulted if their wives disregard them in front of others (even unknowingly). If you need to say no tell him that you need a private conversation. This is a simple truth that I wish someone had taught me earlier.

Wives need love, adoration and respect for what they feel

I added this here in case there are any husbands reading in. Your wife needs to be treated like a princess. She was definitely treated that way by her dad. So if you neglect her you are never going to match up to her parental love. This is dangerous in a marriage. Wives can easily become detached if they are hurt for too long and they’ll simply fall back into the shelter of their loving parents. This is an unhealthy situation for a marriage. Don’t bottle up your expectations. Tell her what you need – better food, better home atmosphere, better whatever AND give her the time to learn and grow into the person you want her to be. Just remember that if she was her daddy’s little princess she needs to be the queen of your kingdom.

Keep off habits that sabotage marriage

Filthy talk / movies, extravagant spending, too many parties, wrong friends, smoking, drinking, gluttony, lying – anything that causes frequent fights. CHANGE THE HABIT. Your marriage is much more precious than simple habits which give temporary pleasure.

Keep off people who are experts in killing a good marriage

You can identify such people from the way they talk about their spouses. Either they don’t mention their spouses in their conversations / when they do they have only bitter angry words. They will eat up your time and not care whether you to spend time with your husband/wife. No matter how good they appear to be or how senior they are to you (even your immediate boss) my advice is stay away from such people. In a Naval environment time spent with family is very precious.

Be confident of who you are (ladies)

By this I mean, you don’t have to be Miss. Universe to satisfy your husband. You need to be the BEST you. Remember you are lovely and a unique creation of God. If you were a beautiful dancer or singer or writer or programmer or designer before marriage continue being that way even as someone’s wife. Don’t throw all those things that define you, out of the window when you marry someone. Indian women have a way of depending on their husbands for EVERYTHING! From going to the beauty parlor to getting the groceries they assume they can’t do anything without their better half. It is ok if the husbands are around and are actually eager to help out. What about those husbands who like their wives to be bold and self-sufficient. Such husbands feel gagged when they have to run for each and everything. Husbands are not EVERYTHING (that is friend, philosopher, guide, superman AND your best friend). It would be nice if that was true. But Only God can be all that. Your husband is simply human.

Don’t take independent decisions

No matter how little the decision is – if it involves your spouse then take time to consult him/her. For instance, someone invites you out for dinner don’t be an extra nice person and say “yes” immediately. Say “I’ll check with my spouse”. This is a little example. This goes for major and minor decisions. Putting up such a united front keeps the family safe and intact.

Don’t try to change anyone

A lot of people just waste their good years trying to change their spouses. They become miserable wrecks. Why? That is because only God can change people. You and I can pray, definitely set a good example and just enjoy our spouses as they are. It is wise not to wait for the elusive day when they’ll become perfect in all ways and THEN start enjoying your dear spouse :)

There is never a good time than now to stop worrying and start enjoying life. Give some time for the harvest to appear. For now simply keep sowing seeds of love everywhere you go. God bless.

Happy Valentine's Week !!