Indian Navy Homemakers – 3 How to overcome loneliness

How to overcome loneliness 

I almost gave up continuing this series thinking – this is way too negative for a person like me. I always draw attention to the positives in life and live quite happily. It is a total reversal of my character to speak about depression, loneliness and the likes. But I think someone out there needs to read this. I’ll try to give possible solutions. I hope it helps. If not anything there is at least the comfort that you are not alone. Everyone undergoes crap in their life at some point of time. But the silver lining is – we can choose to come out broken or stronger.

How to overcome loneliness in Navy Life?

• What is loneliness? – Solitude, Isolation, Seclusion (courtesy thesaurus)

• The first step in coming out of any situation is – the decision to not be in it anymore

• If you have made up your mind you are already on the road to happiness

• Write these down - What is your definition of a friend and an acquaintance?

• My definition of a friend - Someone with whom you can confidently think aloud and be assured that you won’t be judged. Who corrects you firmly but with love when you are wrong, stands with you when you are in trouble and encourages you even when you don’t believe in yourself. This is what I strive to be with my friends. I think any human being should have at least one such person in their life. The upper limit depends on how much of an extrovert/introvert you are

• Thanks to technology you can keep in touch with your childhood/college friends despite physical distance. Just a simple decision to send at least 4/5 emails in a month (without fail) will keep the relationship alive and mutually enriching

• My definition of an acquaintance – Someone with whom I share a common constructive pastime. This enables me to keep the relationship at some level of closeness while not sharing anything personal

• Such relationships are common in navy. Many women get together to simply hang out while their children play with each other. That’s good.  For me, the one extra point is the conversation needs to be strictly non-gossip, so I choose my acquaintances carefully and look for common interests or sometimes even create common pastimes. For instance, my child became very good friends with a KG classmate. They wanted to play with each other every evening but that child’s mom and I had nothing in common! So we invented our own common pastime. We started teaching each other some of our healthy recipes for kids. Whenever our husbands sailed out and the children got jittery we would take the kids out for a walk, buy the ingredients, cook while our kids played, eat and retire for the evening with our happy and ready- for- sleep kids. We ended up having a good time and successfully kept our children happy although their papas were out in the sea

• Sometimes due to unavoidable circumstances, we can end up in a situation where we may be utterly alone. In such cases – learn to stop thinking only about yourself and reach out and help someone in need. Not necessarily an NGO. Just help your next door neighbour with her newborn kid or help a newly married lady with getting the ration or simply getting used to the naval environment. Visit a sick neighbour. If you have the heart to help, somehow God will show the people to whom you can be a blessing

• Spend time indulging in activities that get you outdoors and in the sun and fresh air

o   Go for regular walks and admire nature while listening to music in your walkman

o  Take a camera when you go out. Naval houses are always located in some picturesque surroundings. Make the most of it

o    Maintain a garden. Even if it is just a few pots and simple non-flowering plants

o    Having a pet is a good idea for pet lovers

o  If you love to star gaze do it. Since naval houses are near the sea there is less intrusion of smog and street lights. I have enjoyed many a good night of gazing at stars

o  Learn new things – If there is a cookery class/yoga class/ aerobics class – anything announced in the neighbourhood – JUST GO

o    Keep yourself busy with things that you love to do best

• Hope these tips help.  Let me conclude with what you should never do when you are feeling lonely

o   Don’t sleep for a long time

o   Don’t  binge on comfort foods

o   Don’t do mindless activities – like browsing the net/watching TV/cleaning the house for too long

o   Don’t stay closeted inside your house

o  Don’t expect people to know supernaturally that you exist and are looking for some company

o   Don’t get into depression and make your husband feel guilty about his work style

Never imagine that a bad phase would last forever. The biggest temptation when going through crap is – you think that the situation can never be changed. Whenever this thought enters your mind, remember - The first step in coming out of any situation is – the decision to not be in it anymore. God bless you.

Some Must Haves

As a Naval wife you will often find yourself handling situations on your own. It is good to be alert and on your toes. So here are a few helpful tips. 

1)      Connectivity

a)      When you move to a new place make sure you first find out which network has maximum connectivity in that area. Then go ahead and book one.

b)      Have a Nokia dual sim phone. It’s just a thousand and odd Rs. You can maintain a constant number wherever you go and a place specific temporary local no. for economy sake. Of course you can have two mobiles. But you may forget to charge one or take both the phones when you go out.  So this is an easier option.

c)       Avail a navy telephone handset first thing when you take over the accommodation. This is the most reliable mode of communication.

2)      Mobility

a)      Learn to drive a car. If not a car, at least have a scooter at your disposal. You cannot rely on getting an auto or using the public transport every time.

b)      If you are in a remote location public transport might simply not be available.

c)       When you have a car you also need to know how to fix a punctured tire, check the oil and of course fill the fuel tank. Yes, these things are best done by men. But we can get by. :)

d)      If you are at a remote location it is brilliant to store extra petrol/diesel, engine oil, distilled water etc.,

3)      Precautions

a)      If you have a small child

-      Stock up medicines, diapers, wet wipes, creams and the whole paraphernalia.

-         Have the pediatricians’ number handy and have a travel buddy.

-         A travel buddy (in this context) is a person who can hold your child when you need to drive to the doc’s office in case your hubby is not available to accompany you.

b)      If hubby is out on a long sailing

-      Stock up everything from dry ration to fresh ration and all that you can think of. (Remember navy ration stops when your hubby sails out. ;))

-         Have the canteen card with you along with the pin number.

-         Have a routine. Waking up a particular time, evening walks and a fixed bed time.

-         Arrange extempore get-togethers. Say you have a few neighbors whose husbands are sailing too, simply call them over for cake and tea. It is FUN. And Navy people are always ready to have fun. (That's something I love about Navy). So you won’t be disturbing anyone.

-         Keep in touch with (or at least have the telephone number of) the Captain’s wife. If you are in trouble she must be the first person to know. And you can rely on her guidance and help.

-         Have an internet connection so you can book tickets easily.

-         Have a local taxi number. This helps in case you need a lift to the train station or airport and you are unable to get a friend to drop you.

As a naval wife you have to be proactive and self sufficient. So learn to always think ten steps ahead. God bless!

Indian Navy Home Makers – Part 2

Women seem to be very bubbly and cheerful UNTIL they become Home Makers. What goes wrong after that? 

Women in India lose their identity in their families. They are by nature very caring and giving.  The problem is they don’t know where to stop. Home makers in particular live a very frustrated life. I think partly the reason is they have lost their sense of being a separate person.

 Marriage brings in added responsibility. MAINTAINING A HOME IS THE MOST TIRING UNRECOGNIZED JOB PROFILE. The work doesn’t give you soul satisfaction. I don’t mean that all of us should hand over our house keys to our maids and go work in an office. I am saying find out about the beautiful woman you see in the mirror. Marriage is important. Maintaining a good married relationship is VERY important. But maintain your individuality as well. 

Soul satisfaction comes only from doing the thing you were created for. For instance, a woman with an intellectual bent of mind won’t be happy with cooking and child care alone. She would also love to learn new things. A woman with an artistic bent of mind will love to paint and decorate her home and so on. You get my point. So it is very important to find out what gives you most happiness and go after it. I am assuming the reader is an Indian Navy wife. Indian Navy takes good care of its employees so you won’t be under obligation to add to the family coffers. Go ahead and find out what you are created for and go after it. 

In finding about our own self, I found an article by Mr.Arun Barath very useful. I am sharing a part of it here. Take time when your mind is free and answer the following questions. 

1)            What kind of a person am I?

2)           What will give me lasting joy or sorrow?

3)           What do I love to do? What do I hate doing?

4)           What do I need to achieve to be successful?

5)           What opinion should others hold about me?

6)           What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses?

7)            Who is my inspiration? Why?

8)            Whose life should mine be similar to?

Once you have answered these questions remove from them things that are impractical. Take a fresh page and write down what you have found about yourself. Now that you know the destination, find out the route. Keep the note safe. Whenever life shifts into a rut mode go back to it and renew your mind and realign yourself. 

Keep reading. Hope this series helps someone out there.

Indian Navy Home Makers - Part 1 (Not for the newlyweds)

This post is NOT for newlyweds or the about to be married :) Sorry young ladies. You MAY read on. These are very serious topics and you'll probably not be able to relate to what I am writing or you might think "Oh this can never happen in my life". So please let me spare you the trouble. :) 

Married for a year or more ladies - I hope this series of posts help you :)

If you are anything like me you would have gotten married to your guy because you were hopelessly, head over heels in love with him. You wouldn’t have thought about the practical implications or if you did, you probably disregarded it in exchange of love. 

Most women enter marriage and get to keep at least 60% of their previous lives. But for Naval wives it is minus 100%. Unless you had a defense officer dad/brother you'll feel like your life has been turned upside down and then inside out. :) 

A typical navy year starts with – A phone call. Your life is dictated by transfers. This decides a lot of things. Where you'll go, what climatic conditions you have to stay in, how quickly you need to vacate your present house, how many bedrooms your house has (in naval terms – an A or B or C Type accommodation), whether your husband gets to be with you or not (refit ship or ‘just coming out of MR’ ship); sometimes it even plays a part in whether your husband gets to see the birth of your first child or develop from an infant to a toddler. 

(I have nothing against the person deciding on officer’s transfers. :) BUT as a young wife I really dreaded these transfers as much as I did the bogey monsters under my bed as a child.)

The following are a couple of common results of having such an unpredictable lifestyle 

1)           Loneliness followed by

2)         Depression. 

No one spoke to me about these things. But I’ve observed, even underwent and overcome these things in my life and I wish to share what I have learned. 

PLEASE TAKE NOTE – This post touches exclusively on the extreme negative aspect of this unpredictable lifestyle. Do take time to read the whole series and also my yet to be published post – “The UpSiDe of the UpBeAt naval life”. Reading the current post alone will cause you to see navy through a small distorted hole which is nowhere near the real beautiful picture.

Why does loneliness enter in an Indian Navy Wife’s life?

 a) Husband sails a lot and  

b) Neighbors are hard to mingle with (different culture/language/interests) or

c) You may be a reserved person or

d) No neighbors! (Rare condition but I have lived near empty houses simply because my neighbors went home for their studies/delivery. And on another unfortunate occasion our accommodation was FAR from the next building)

 

Loneliness coupled with stress leads to depression. This stress can be caused by too much work (say like taking care of two kids on your own) or too little work (you have been a busy career woman and suddenly you are at home with no work and no identity except being Mrs. So and So)

I have seen some worst case effects of depression.

1)             Psychological changes

a.          Person goes into a quiet non-interactive state - melancholic

b.          Once you get them talking they spit out bitterness, complaints, pain or self pity

c.         Sometimes person starts speaking A LOT. In a sense you can’t get them to shut up.

d.           Complains/gossips a lot. Lot of negative talk.

e.    They cannot pay attention to what you are saying because their mind is occupied with 100 different things. And when you stop speaking they’ll continue speaking about an irrelevant topic.

f.               In rare cases they’ll be very hurtful, critical of everyone including you.

g.            Seeks attention in wrong ways - from other men/internet etc.,

h.            They’ll perpetually paint a “oh the world is big, black and horrible” picture.

2)         Physical changes

a.            Stays indoors a lot

b.            Eats/sleeps/watches TV/movies A LOT

c.             Laziness and no proper use of time.

d.           Sometimes loses weight by working out insanely (that’s good in a way)

e.             Seems perpetually on the verge of breaking down

3)         This is a separate category altogether. The worst case scenario – ANGER

My understanding of anger is – It’s a Bomb. Once it’s ignited it either explodes on the people around it or is contained and destroys the person who is holding it. I am not a psychologist. I am simply writing all this based on observation and personal experience. So please forgive me if I am inaccurate.

Now that I have given a picture of how bad it can get. In my following posts I will be giving simple solutions that go a long way . Keep reading. :)