How to overcome depression

Marie curie said – “Nothing is to be feared it is only to be understood”

Depression – Usually starts as a negative thought

If you can just understand this you will have more control over your emotions going hay wire. Depression is not something you have to live with. In fact you were born to have a bountiful life. All God has made is for humans to enjoy. Nothing or no one should rob us from this right.

Since this is a very important topic – I hope you all will continue to write to me about specific issues that you need advice for. Believe me when I say this – someone out there is going through exactly what you are undergoing. If you learn how to come out of the trap door called depression, you can help out someone who needs comfort and support. We are not stand alone creatures who live life on their own islands. We all are created to do to others as we would have them do to us.

Mind is the seat of all thoughts. To overcome negative thoughts you need to REPLACE it with positive ones.  This is called “renewing your mind”. This is why reading positive books is VERY important – I suggest books by Joyce Meyer. This woman has really been used by God to help millions come out of depression and other issues.

As I said – Words are very powerful. Any human knows that thoughts are made of words. A negative thought comprises of negative words. A positive thought comprises of positive words. I know that this is the obvious. But I’m stating this explicitly so that you understand that dealing with depression comes down to WHAT WORDS comprise your thoughts.

Let me explain my point more clearly.  Just read the following words.

Suicide, Accident, Betrayal, BOI (that’s board of enquiry), Long sailing ;)

Do you feel good right now?

Now read this….

Happiness, Good-health, Joy, Peace, Romance, Loving loyal husband/wife, Loving in-laws, holidays, friends, financial security, zero calorie chocolates ;)… I could go on…

Now how do you feel?

The reason I am writing this is – overcoming depression is very simple. Simply replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Let me explain, once again, with few examples

Some people can hurt you very badly with their words. I have had my share of insults and taunts and straight-on-the-face mockery and criticism. I overcame all this through Jesus to become the smiling, calm and composed lady that I am. I am not boasting. I believe every human being should have self worth. Each one of us is unique and hence PRECIOUS to God. A story best illustrates how God sees you.

This is the “Twenty dollar bill” story whose author I don’t know. (If one of you knows who the author is please mention the name. I will acknowledge him/her here).

A professor once brought in a twenty dollar bill to his class. He held it up and asked who would want to possess it. All hands shot up. Then he proceeded to crumple it and make it into a really small ball. All creases crisscrossing through the note he held it up and asked once more who would want it. Again all hands shot up. Then he threw the note on the floor and stomped his shoe clad feet on it and said “This is a filthy, no good one dollar fake note”. Then he picked up the soiled, crumpled note and asked who would still want it. And yet again all the hands shot high up in the air. Then he proceeded to say – “Imagine you are the twenty dollar bill and remember this lesson all your lives. No matter what people do to you or say about you, they cannot reduce your value. You are still worthy, you are still wanted, you are still valuable”

Sometimes life’s odds can be really stacked up against you. I read this inspiring story in one of the Chicken Soup for the soul® books. I am not sure of the author. I’ll locate the author’s name ASAP and acknowledge it here.

The story is about a handicapped boy (he walks with braces) who decides to join a racing competition. His mom is skeptical about the whole issue and doesn’t want her son to be hurt. But on his insistence she allows him to participate and stays home not wanting to see her son go through the pain of defeat. She waits for him in the evening and he walks into the house carrying a trophy! The first thought that comes into her head is – “Oh they gave him an easy start”. But then her son changes her perspective within seconds when he says “Mom, I knew everyone had an advantage over me… SO I JUST HAD TO TRY HARDER THAN ALL THOSE IN THE RACE.. And I won”

What an attitude!

How many of us think such thoughts – if only I had a better schooling, better parenting, better looks, better husband/wife, better in-laws, better surroundings, better status, better car, better house, better CO, better sub-ordinates, better colleagues, better neighbors and so on… Reading such stories would help us to take an honest appraisal of our lives and start from where we are and if the odds are stacked against us – Lets just try a little harder and surely we will win :)

How often should you renew your mind?

Do it as often as you require. Every time your mind wanders to negative thoughts replace it with positive ones. I am a Christian. Every time I feel afraid of someone. I repeat this verse from the Bible. “The Lord is my helper. I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me” In times of distress I repeat this verse – “In all things God works for my good” When I feel weak and tired out with my over crowded schedule I use this verse “I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me” and so on.. These are merely a few of the instances from my life. I deal with almost everything this way. And I can honestly say – I am happy

One more cause for depression which can easily be dealt with is

A woman's risk for depression goes up when her body is going through physical and hormonal changes — like after childbirth and when the child is too small and needs constant 24/7 care and attention. Couple this with the frequent transfers in Navy and you have a depressed navy wife

I was one such lady. Now I am not. So the ladies out there going through such difficulties – I have good news. Once your child becomes two or three years old, you will automatically come out depression

But while you are still IN the postpartum phase what do you do?

DON’T OVEREAT - This will be a habit too hard to break, way after you are out of depression

It is Ok to cry even if you are alone but make sure you get up, wash your face, dress up and go out after that

Take help from mom/MIL. If that’s not possible then at least hire a good maid

Have certain things regular in your life no matter what. Like evening walks to a familiar place, Morning Prayer etc., I strongly recommend reading a good book that renews your mind before you start your day

Choose a mentor. If you don’t use the wealth of experience shared by the people who have been on earth before you, you will be wasting a lot of time trying things out the first time and making mistakes. A mentor can be a parent, relative, college senior, a favorite author and so on. There is a lot to learn from our elders. This may sound cliché but their experience holds a wealth of information that we can take advantage of

Exercise is one of the beautiful ways to de-stress. I don’t mean exercise to look thin. I mean the kind that you enjoy doing – I love to walk on my treadmill. This is my ideal route for combining exercise and fun. Exercise releases happy hormones :) If you have never tried this before do it now. Find out which is the best time for you in a day before you embark on a routine

Do something for yourself – facial/pedi/mani/waxing – you name it. May be hit the hair spa. Just take time for yourself and get pampered. And don’t forget you can still look good and dress up well even if you have just had a baby

Hope these tips helped you. God bless.. 

A Valentine's Day Message

Valentine’s Day represents one of the most sought after treasure in this world – Love. 

In my opinion, we reap only what we’ve sown.

So when people (I mean those who are above 30 years of age. I consider the twenties to be still in the learning phase) complain to me that they aren’t loved or respected; I wonder what they’d sown. More often than not you can see ALL their actions concerning others involved HUGE doses of – selfishness, emotional aloofness, anger, dirty words, pretensions, lies etc., and these are the ones who want to yield a crop of love and acceptance. This is strange but true.

Lack of quality time spent with family can make a good marriage into a ‘gone marriage’. There are many phases in Indian Navy where the husband and wife go days without seeing each other. Maintaining a healthy marriage relationship in Navy is indeed a challenge. That’s why this post to share a little bit of time tested formulas for a loving healthy marriage.

Communication

This seems obvious. But it can come as a surprise that in the early days of marriage many people suffer silently because of their unmet needs. Well, all I can say is your husband / wife is NOT a mind-reader. Your father/mother may know what you want before you can voice it out, because they have seen you for 20-25 years. Your spouse needs time to know your needs. They may be nice to others (that they know for a longer time than they know you) but can hurt you unknowingly, simply because they don’t know what you need. So Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Honesty

It’s a proven fact that secrets = walls. Secrets between couples are walls. Some things can be shared in the first year of marriage. Some things take a few years. But get it out. It may be difficult at first to come clean to your spouse. But when you expect 100% honesty from your better half do know that they expect and deserve the same from you.

Improve the quality of time spent together if the quantity is less

There were years in my life when I got to see my husband for just a few days in a month. When we were young or rather naïve we spent those few days fighting because we were so frustrated at being separated for long periods of time. But then we grew some brains and put our frustrations off and started TRULY enjoying the time we got with each other. We became die-hard romantics all over again. Impromptu candle light dinners, night drives in empty roads, long walks all became a part of the time we had together. My husband was excellent in planning trips. He would get the best places to visit and hotels to stay in. And thus annual leave was not wasted in sitting at home and watching TV. Instead we ended up having our third, fourth and fifth honeymoons (with our child in tow). Every time I came back from my mom’s place he would receive me at the airport/train station with a beautiful bunch of flowers and a big smile. When he went on extra long sailing I kept little encouraging notes in different places of his baggage and he would make a call whenever possible even if it was just for 120 seconds over a satellite phone. Over the years it was these little-extras which kept our relationship intact. Never take your spouse for granted. Any extra hug, extra love, unexpected compliments - simple seeds sown, will reap a harvest of love, joy and peace for many years.

Shared activities

Husbands love to have their wives not just as their partners in life but also in watching their favorite movies, playing tennis, gym, watching playoffs and so on. Many wives don’t know this. They cook and let their husbands sit lonely or go out with friends. I was one among them too. But it came as a surprise when I realized that my husband actually wanted me with him doing things that he enjoys. Now I don’t miss a chance :)

Husbands need admiration and respect for who they are

Many of us can lose sight of this important fact. Make sure you convey your admiration and respect to your husband. Any slighting gesture or tone can put off a man very easily. On the contrary, respect and admiration drives them to be their best. One more tip – Don’t EVER disobey him in front of someone unless you know for sure he is just joking. Husbands feel greatly insulted if their wives disregard them in front of others (even unknowingly). If you need to say no tell him that you need a private conversation. This is a simple truth that I wish someone had taught me earlier.

Wives need love, adoration and respect for what they feel

I added this here in case there are any husbands reading in. Your wife needs to be treated like a princess. She was definitely treated that way by her dad. So if you neglect her you are never going to match up to her parental love. This is dangerous in a marriage. Wives can easily become detached if they are hurt for too long and they’ll simply fall back into the shelter of their loving parents. This is an unhealthy situation for a marriage. Don’t bottle up your expectations. Tell her what you need – better food, better home atmosphere, better whatever AND give her the time to learn and grow into the person you want her to be. Just remember that if she was her daddy’s little princess she needs to be the queen of your kingdom.

Keep off habits that sabotage marriage

Filthy talk / movies, extravagant spending, too many parties, wrong friends, smoking, drinking, gluttony, lying – anything that causes frequent fights. CHANGE THE HABIT. Your marriage is much more precious than simple habits which give temporary pleasure.

Keep off people who are experts in killing a good marriage

You can identify such people from the way they talk about their spouses. Either they don’t mention their spouses in their conversations / when they do they have only bitter angry words. They will eat up your time and not care whether you to spend time with your husband/wife. No matter how good they appear to be or how senior they are to you (even your immediate boss) my advice is stay away from such people. In a Naval environment time spent with family is very precious.

Be confident of who you are (ladies)

By this I mean, you don’t have to be Miss. Universe to satisfy your husband. You need to be the BEST you. Remember you are lovely and a unique creation of God. If you were a beautiful dancer or singer or writer or programmer or designer before marriage continue being that way even as someone’s wife. Don’t throw all those things that define you, out of the window when you marry someone. Indian women have a way of depending on their husbands for EVERYTHING! From going to the beauty parlor to getting the groceries they assume they can’t do anything without their better half. It is ok if the husbands are around and are actually eager to help out. What about those husbands who like their wives to be bold and self-sufficient. Such husbands feel gagged when they have to run for each and everything. Husbands are not EVERYTHING (that is friend, philosopher, guide, superman AND your best friend). It would be nice if that was true. But Only God can be all that. Your husband is simply human.

Don’t take independent decisions

No matter how little the decision is – if it involves your spouse then take time to consult him/her. For instance, someone invites you out for dinner don’t be an extra nice person and say “yes” immediately. Say “I’ll check with my spouse”. This is a little example. This goes for major and minor decisions. Putting up such a united front keeps the family safe and intact.

Don’t try to change anyone

A lot of people just waste their good years trying to change their spouses. They become miserable wrecks. Why? That is because only God can change people. You and I can pray, definitely set a good example and just enjoy our spouses as they are. It is wise not to wait for the elusive day when they’ll become perfect in all ways and THEN start enjoying your dear spouse :)

There is never a good time than now to stop worrying and start enjoying life. Give some time for the harvest to appear. For now simply keep sowing seeds of love everywhere you go. God bless.

Happy Valentine's Week !!