Don’t judge yourself

This post is a bit about my life than a general topic. I am just hoping that someone out there can relate to what I am saying and maybe even benefit from it. (Or even write to me and let me know I am not alone in this universe….)

In the recent times I had been introspecting and looking into the motives behind my actions, a lot. I was on the verge of embarking on a new dream that had strong passion on my side. But it was something new and I hadn't seen any of my contemporaries doing it.  So, until I've actually tasted success in this hardly trodden path, self doubts are bound to keep cropping up and they led to a character analysis of sorts, for me.

One character that stood out in my self-analysis was – I was a very contented person all through my life. Through my optimism shaded glasses my life was full and happy. And no one in my surroundings complained about me because I did all the normal things that Indian girls are expected to do.

Of course, when I got married, people were shocked. ALL of them had expected me to marry some NRI and settle abroad. But I loved my country and I loved ships and I loved the Armed Forces. All put together I chose the life I wanted to live.  

But, this self chosen life gave me consequences to face, hard ones at that. I’d given up on a “High Profile Career” and everything that people had considered normal. No wonder from then on I came under the scanner. It was (and still is) almost like people were waiting to see something crazy happening to me. (By people I mean the non-naval crowd). And now as I embarked on my new dream I severely felt a lot of scanner beeps and those laser lights running up and down over me. The worst side effect of this situation was - I was not being a contented person anymore. I was being covetous – I was looking to the left at one person and thinking “Oh I should have done what she’s doing, looong ago” or to the right at another and thinking “This is exactly what I must be doing now”.

Then by God’s grace I started praying rather than thinking; and as always God answered my SOS.  

First He reminded me of an incident – This happened quite a while ago. I was the very young and very over-worked wife (with a growing toddler in tow) of a sailing-like-crazy officer. I was tired almost all the time and I used to cry out of sheer exhaustion. At this time 3 people came into my life. All three had few common traits – putting me down/ hurting me with words/ calling up to nose around in my personal life and so on; All this when I was already in a downtrodden state. It was like getting poked by a hot iron rod in an open wound. For a while I dint understand what the problem was. (Well, maybe I was too tired to analyze). But I realized eventually that they behaved that way because they were jealous of me. One of them dint have a child, one felt I had a better education and social skills than her and one felt that I have gotten a better husband and to add to her woes she was childless. I dint know whether to laugh or cry whenever they behaved cruelly out of jealousy. I mean what state was I in? I felt like a pathetic mess and there were THREE people who could find reasons to be jealous of me. These are people I actually admired. For instance, the first person was a very good looking lady; the second person could make you feel at home in an instant plus had a sense of humor and was good looking and the third person was an amazing hostess. But sadly I was the only one seeing them that way. They on the other hand could only judge themselves in a bad light.

God reminded me through this memory that we should never judge ourselves poorly AND - You must be happy with whatever you have because there is bound to be someone or many people who don’t have what you have. I actually should go and thank these lovable ladies for showing me that my life was worth envying when it seemed like a failure to me. :) (If I had been wiser and less tired back then I would have written pages to them describing all their lovely qualities and helped them get out of the pit they were in. But I missed my chance)

Then one more lesson came this morning. I was trying to do some work online and suddenly went off into Facebook surfing. You know; where you keep typing in some name you know and try to catch a glimpse of what is happening in their lives. As I did that, I noticed, that all the people I knew dint actually live lives that I'd expected them to live. One chubby nerdy girl I knew had transformed into a beautiful damsel who was not working, one beautiful damsel I knew had transformed into a sad lady and she’d no man posing next to her. I could go on. But what I understood is – Life is not easy for anyone and everyone cannot have everything. By the way, who can define what “everything” comprises of? We all are trying to make choices and see where the choices lead us. And right there I got back my contented self. I know what I want to do in my life and I have lived my dream all these years. Pressures may come but some worthless social standard is not going to stop me from living the rest of my dreams out.

Every choice we make comes with pros and cons attached to it. The only thing we can do is – follow our heart and passion. At least on the day we die we’ll know – “I lived my life fully and dint waste any of it living someone else’s dreams”. :)

God Bless.